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Feb. 27th, 2018

Life is so strange. I spent the whole week dreaming about, and missing my old friends, and then out of the blue one of my classmates messaged me. I wasnt really friends with this person, but I took a lot of classes with her. She just messaged saying she heard I left and know knows a lot of my old friends have probably cut off contact after that, so she was just saying hi. She seemed genuine, and knowing her, she is just trying to be sweet, so we spoke a little. 

She cant replace what Ive lost, but its nice to be remembered. 

I miss my old life

I miss my friends more than I can describe in words. My friends who grew up with me, understood me and knew my family well. They dont understand me anymore, they act strange and cold if I try reach out, and I feel embarrassed to push too hard because I know they cant understand my life. I am also embarrassed because I know they think Im wrong, and I don't know how to explain to them that I'm not a bad person. Which is kind of strange. It means Im embarrassed by the negative things I know they think about me, even though I know them not to true. 

I especially miss one of my friends who I was in love with back when we were friends. She (and I) was too religious to act on it though. Im not sure she even realised I was in love with her. I will never know now. I haven't spoken to her in a year now. We just fell out of touch, I stopped trying to reach out to her out of embarrassment, and she stopped talking to me because she found out I wasn\t religious, and either just doesn't know what to say, or is worries I will be a bad influence on her. Does she know I miss her and really want to meet her again? I think about it often. Maybe she thinks I dont want to talk to her, but she wouldn't mind talking to me. 

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Work was nice today. Life is good. :)

Sometimes, I sit at work and think about how lucky I am. My three years ago self wouldnt believe I could ever get here. I just feel so normal. I have a normal job, I am able to talk normally to people even though they didnt grow up in the same community as me. I am more confident, more happy. 

Things are looking up. 

Nature and environmentalism

Since loosing my religious beliefs, my thoughts have been developing and changing quite a bit. I am currently in the middle of reading "Confessions of a Recovering Environmentalist" It feels a lot like this is a book I could have written (except I dont write that nicely). It is well written and mostly describes my feeling about the world. 

But mainly, my feelings are rather depressing about the world. I love nature, and have become really obsessed with it. I love all weathers, rain, cold, sun, fog, leaves changing. I like the clouds in the sky, how they are sometimes think and wispy, sometimes big and dark, and often a combination of things. 

I walk in the streets of London after a day of work, and all I can think is — what have we (humans) done?! We just went and had millions of babies, tok over the world, to the point that we had to making rules about what we can and cant do to try and prevent us from completely destroying the world. But its too late. There are too many humans around who need food and shelter. And technology. 

I love wild nature, things just left to go the way they will do naturally, not animals being protected in zoos, or wind turbines, or dams ruining nature. 

We are not gods. We didnt create this world, and we dont deserve to decide the fates of the plants and animals. Whatever happens will happen, but nature is best when its left to fend for itself. 

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I took pictures at the lakes near where I live on Friday. I had taken a day off work for a blood test, and spend the morning cleaning the house. I went for a walk at 3, just to get out, and stop myself being depressed. Then I caught these. I think I will likely go back to see more sunsets at the lakes. It was so stunning. 



I have a terrible credit rating. And it matters because Im trying to buy a house. Or I should say, my boyfriend is trying to buy a house, and because I live with him, I will help pay the mortgage and thus own a percentage of the house. It sucks. I hate having to choose a mortgage. He obviously trusts his parents more than me on which mortgage to choose because they have more experience than me, and although my parents own about 15 properties, and are constantly buying and selling, they wont give me advice because the wont talk to me, so my opinions are discarded in this matter. And so I yell at him, and we have thousands of arguments. No one knows which mortagage is best to get. His parents know that and dont want to give advice but he wants them to give because he trusts them. 


I hate living. Its too many decisions to make too many times, and i hate it

Im a social moron

Social stuff freaks me out. I think im crazy. One of my biggest hatred are phone calls. Especially ones from numbers I dont have saved in my phone. 

I much prefer messages, where I get to see what they want before committing myself to answering. When you answer the phone, you are committing to talking/answering whatever the phonecaller wants, before you know what they want. I hate it. 

Also, I hate it when people message you hi, how are you. I want to know what you want before I reply!!!

I think my social anxiety gets worse as I get older. 

Incidentally, I just accepted an invitation to a wedding of someone I barely know. I am good friends with her sister, and I might know a few people there, but it will be my first non jewish wedding, which is something I think i should experience, Even though I hate weddings. 

Jul. 24th, 2017

I wish I was properly active on LJ.


Its making me really depressed right now. Its probably other things though, that are just coming out this way. 


My aunt wants me to read books about why to stay religious and jewish and I want to do it because she is the only relative who is kind of nice to me, but its stressful and annoying.


My sister (who lives in South Africa) is here for a month, and I went out with her and her kids for a day. We went to a really fun place, and enjoyed seeing my nieces, but its weird spending time with my sister because we pretend as though everything is normal, and I dont mention a word about my life or anything Im doing because we pretend as though my whole life is different. So it ends up being really cold. My sister who just got married and moved to isreal was in london for a bit but she didnt contact me or anything. That kind of hurt. 


Besides for that, life is good. I started seeing a therapist who specializes in people who left cults. She is really nice and its good to have someone to talk to but I hate spending so much money just to talk to someone. It really puts me off going. 


I have the day off tomorrow. Hopefully going to Dover, should be fun. 


Pic of me at Cuckmere Haven, last friday:


Some songs I have been listening to

I have recently started listening to (and really likeing!) Avenged Sevenfold music.

I dont normally listen to metal - Im more of a rock person, but I got hooked.

Two songs I will mention.

"I won't see you tonight (Part 1)"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAdQzCq53XE

Its basically a suicide note as a song, but it speaks to me in many ways, in the way of how suicide is sad, but also how its a way out for the person who isnt enjoying life.
"A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free
Don't mourn for me,
You're not the one to place the blame"

Part 2 is a response from a friend but I dont like the song, its too much screaming.

"A little piece of heaven"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VurhzANQ_B0
I listened to this song and liked the tune and music a lot. Then I listened to it again reading the lyrics, and Jesus, its a psychotic song!
Its about a guy who kills his wife. And then fucks her dead body.
She comes back to life and kills him and things just get worse.

I still really like it though. It took me a while to get over the lyrics, but its one of my favorite songs at the moment

Jun. 5th, 2017

I havent seen my parents for almost two months now.

Its been a very calm and happy two months for me.

But that doesnt mean I dont love them....

Like everything, its complicated.

In other news, I found a blog online that almost exactly described my life and feelings. It could literally have been written by me. Ill link it.
https://estherbernstein.wordpress.com/

I reached out to the author to tell her how much I liked it and how much I could identify with the stuff she wrote. She is coming to England in a month, I hope to see her :)