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Work was nice today. Life is good. :)

Sometimes, I sit at work and think about how lucky I am. My three years ago self wouldnt believe I could ever get here. I just feel so normal. I have a normal job, I am able to talk normally to people even though they didnt grow up in the same community as me. I am more confident, more happy. 

Things are looking up. 

Nature and environmentalism

Since loosing my religious beliefs, my thoughts have been developing and changing quite a bit. I am currently in the middle of reading "Confessions of a Recovering Environmentalist" It feels a lot like this is a book I could have written (except I dont write that nicely). It is well written and mostly describes my feeling about the world. 

But mainly, my feelings are rather depressing about the world. I love nature, and have become really obsessed with it. I love all weathers, rain, cold, sun, fog, leaves changing. I like the clouds in the sky, how they are sometimes think and wispy, sometimes big and dark, and often a combination of things. 

I walk in the streets of London after a day of work, and all I can think is — what have we (humans) done?! We just went and had millions of babies, tok over the world, to the point that we had to making rules about what we can and cant do to try and prevent us from completely destroying the world. But its too late. There are too many humans around who need food and shelter. And technology. 

I love wild nature, things just left to go the way they will do naturally, not animals being protected in zoos, or wind turbines, or dams ruining nature. 

We are not gods. We didnt create this world, and we dont deserve to decide the fates of the plants and animals. Whatever happens will happen, but nature is best when its left to fend for itself. 

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I took pictures at the lakes near where I live on Friday. I had taken a day off work for a blood test, and spend the morning cleaning the house. I went for a walk at 3, just to get out, and stop myself being depressed. Then I caught these. I think I will likely go back to see more sunsets at the lakes. It was so stunning. 

I have a terrible credit rating. And it matters because Im trying to buy a house. Or I should say, my boyfriend is trying to buy a house, and because I live with him, I will help pay the mortgage and thus own a percentage of the house. It sucks. I hate having to choose a mortgage. He obviously trusts his parents more than me on which mortgage to choose because they have more experience than me, and although my parents own about 15 properties, and are constantly buying and selling, they wont give me advice because the wont talk to me, so my opinions are discarded in this matter. And so I yell at him, and we have thousands of arguments. No one knows which mortagage is best to get. His parents know that and dont want to give advice but he wants them to give because he trusts them. 

I hate living. Its too many decisions to make too many times, and i hate it

Im a social moron

Social stuff freaks me out. I think im crazy. One of my biggest hatred are phone calls. Especially ones from numbers I dont have saved in my phone. 

I much prefer messages, where I get to see what they want before committing myself to answering. When you answer the phone, you are committing to talking/answering whatever the phonecaller wants, before you know what they want. I hate it. 

Also, I hate it when people message you hi, how are you. I want to know what you want before I reply!!!

I think my social anxiety gets worse as I get older. 

Incidentally, I just accepted an invitation to a wedding of someone I barely know. I am good friends with her sister, and I might know a few people there, but it will be my first non jewish wedding, which is something I think i should experience, Even though I hate weddings. 

Jul. 24th, 2017

I wish I was properly active on LJ.

Its making me really depressed right now. Its probably other things though, that are just coming out this way. 

My aunt wants me to read books about why to stay religious and jewish and I want to do it because she is the only relative who is kind of nice to me, but its stressful and annoying.

My sister (who lives in South Africa) is here for a month, and I went out with her and her kids for a day. We went to a really fun place, and enjoyed seeing my nieces, but its weird spending time with my sister because we pretend as though everything is normal, and I dont mention a word about my life or anything Im doing because we pretend as though my whole life is different. So it ends up being really cold. My sister who just got married and moved to isreal was in london for a bit but she didnt contact me or anything. That kind of hurt. 

Besides for that, life is good. I started seeing a therapist who specializes in people who left cults. She is really nice and its good to have someone to talk to but I hate spending so much money just to talk to someone. It really puts me off going. 

I have the day off tomorrow. Hopefully going to Dover, should be fun. 

Pic of me at Cuckmere Haven, last friday:

Some songs I have been listening to

I have recently started listening to (and really likeing!) Avenged Sevenfold music.

I dont normally listen to metal - Im more of a rock person, but I got hooked.

Two songs I will mention.

"I won't see you tonight (Part 1)"

Its basically a suicide note as a song, but it speaks to me in many ways, in the way of how suicide is sad, but also how its a way out for the person who isnt enjoying life.
"A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free
Don't mourn for me,
You're not the one to place the blame"

Part 2 is a response from a friend but I dont like the song, its too much screaming.

"A little piece of heaven"
I listened to this song and liked the tune and music a lot. Then I listened to it again reading the lyrics, and Jesus, its a psychotic song!
Its about a guy who kills his wife. And then fucks her dead body.
She comes back to life and kills him and things just get worse.

I still really like it though. It took me a while to get over the lyrics, but its one of my favorite songs at the moment

Jun. 5th, 2017

I havent seen my parents for almost two months now.

Its been a very calm and happy two months for me.

But that doesnt mean I dont love them....

Like everything, its complicated.

In other news, I found a blog online that almost exactly described my life and feelings. It could literally have been written by me. Ill link it.

I reached out to the author to tell her how much I liked it and how much I could identify with the stuff she wrote. She is coming to England in a month, I hope to see her :)

Another dump of words. more emotional

The last two/three weeks have been good weeks. I havent considered suicide even once, and the one time I did think about it I was thinking about how happy I am and how Id never want to give up my life.

I think I have started measuring my happiness by how much I think about suicide.

The reason its been so good is partly because Ive had no contact with my parents, and partly because I met a few old friends and made some new connections.

I met with a group of people like me - bought up in strict orthodox jewish communities but have since left. They are mostly very different to me but spending time with them makes me feel ok with my decision. They meet up every two weeks. I hope to see them again in two weeks.

I also told some work colleagues about my life and background. We were out after work because our new program lead arranged a weird social evening. I havnt really ever spend time with my colleagues before, and talking for an extended time always gets weird if people dont know my background. It inevitably comes up because most personal questions I am asked link back to that. One of them was really impressed that I left and seemed to get how hard it is for me. It is annoying when people dont get it. It felt really good to be understood, and made my evening good even though I got that annoying email from my parents.
My parents sent me an email (I havent been in touch with them since my sisters wedding)
. It was basically an email trying to guilt me into coming back and being religious. I will post it here with my response.

I dont normally respond when they send me messages like this because I find confrontations hard and haven never been open with them, so dont like saying personal things to my parents. I felt like I should respond this time because they are my parents, I like them a lot and I feel like they dont deserve to be ignored.

I also think ignoring gives the wrong message. Kind of like im not interested in a relationship with them, which isnt true.

I have translated the hebrew words they use in brackets.

Dear Noami,

We haven’t heard from you for a while. We just want to remind you that we are still your family and parents, and we are there for you if you need us. Although we and your siblings remain very upset about the choices you are making (as are many other people who know you and are fond of you, including family members, former colleagues and former teachers), we all still love you and care about you and all daven (pray) for you.

We want to remind you that you are welcome to come and visit us and spend time at home and with the family. It is your birthday is in the next few days and Shavous (a jewish festival) a few days later, and we are all thinking of you at this time. It is our hope and tephilla (prayers) that next year will be a time of renewal and of positive growth and that you will have the Zechus (merit) to renew your connection to Hashem (god).

Lots of Love,

Mummy and Daddy


Dear Mummy and Daddy

I am not sure exactly how to respond, but I dont want you to think Im upset with you, so will try. I want you to know that I love you all a lot and am not upset/angry with anyone for anything at all. I know I have disappointed you all, and it hurts me that it has to be that way, but I dont feel like I should live my life based on an what people want from me.

I would love to spend more time with the family, but feel uncomfortable coming over when I know that you only keep contact with me because you expect me to come back.

I miss you all a lot, and hope to see you again.