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Some songs I have been listening to

I have recently started listening to (and really likeing!) Avenged Sevenfold music.

I dont normally listen to metal - Im more of a rock person, but I got hooked.

Two songs I will mention.

"I won't see you tonight (Part 1)"

Its basically a suicide note as a song, but it speaks to me in many ways, in the way of how suicide is sad, but also how its a way out for the person who isnt enjoying life.
"A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free
Don't mourn for me,
You're not the one to place the blame"

Part 2 is a response from a friend but I dont like the song, its too much screaming.

"A little piece of heaven"
I listened to this song and liked the tune and music a lot. Then I listened to it again reading the lyrics, and Jesus, its a psychotic song!
Its about a guy who kills his wife. And then fucks her dead body.
She comes back to life and kills him and things just get worse.

I still really like it though. It took me a while to get over the lyrics, but its one of my favorite songs at the moment

Jun. 5th, 2017

I havent seen my parents for almost two months now.

Its been a very calm and happy two months for me.

But that doesnt mean I dont love them....

Like everything, its complicated.

In other news, I found a blog online that almost exactly described my life and feelings. It could literally have been written by me. Ill link it.

I reached out to the author to tell her how much I liked it and how much I could identify with the stuff she wrote. She is coming to England in a month, I hope to see her :)

Another dump of words. more emotional

The last two/three weeks have been good weeks. I havent considered suicide even once, and the one time I did think about it I was thinking about how happy I am and how Id never want to give up my life.

I think I have started measuring my happiness by how much I think about suicide.

The reason its been so good is partly because Ive had no contact with my parents, and partly because I met a few old friends and made some new connections.

I met with a group of people like me - bought up in strict orthodox jewish communities but have since left. They are mostly very different to me but spending time with them makes me feel ok with my decision. They meet up every two weeks. I hope to see them again in two weeks.

I also told some work colleagues about my life and background. We were out after work because our new program lead arranged a weird social evening. I havnt really ever spend time with my colleagues before, and talking for an extended time always gets weird if people dont know my background. It inevitably comes up because most personal questions I am asked link back to that. One of them was really impressed that I left and seemed to get how hard it is for me. It is annoying when people dont get it. It felt really good to be understood, and made my evening good even though I got that annoying email from my parents.
My parents sent me an email (I havent been in touch with them since my sisters wedding)
. It was basically an email trying to guilt me into coming back and being religious. I will post it here with my response.

I dont normally respond when they send me messages like this because I find confrontations hard and haven never been open with them, so dont like saying personal things to my parents. I felt like I should respond this time because they are my parents, I like them a lot and I feel like they dont deserve to be ignored.

I also think ignoring gives the wrong message. Kind of like im not interested in a relationship with them, which isnt true.

I have translated the hebrew words they use in brackets.

Dear Noami,

We haven’t heard from you for a while. We just want to remind you that we are still your family and parents, and we are there for you if you need us. Although we and your siblings remain very upset about the choices you are making (as are many other people who know you and are fond of you, including family members, former colleagues and former teachers), we all still love you and care about you and all daven (pray) for you.

We want to remind you that you are welcome to come and visit us and spend time at home and with the family. It is your birthday is in the next few days and Shavous (a jewish festival) a few days later, and we are all thinking of you at this time. It is our hope and tephilla (prayers) that next year will be a time of renewal and of positive growth and that you will have the Zechus (merit) to renew your connection to Hashem (god).

Lots of Love,

Mummy and Daddy


Dear Mummy and Daddy

I am not sure exactly how to respond, but I dont want you to think Im upset with you, so will try. I want you to know that I love you all a lot and am not upset/angry with anyone for anything at all. I know I have disappointed you all, and it hurts me that it has to be that way, but I dont feel like I should live my life based on an what people want from me.

I would love to spend more time with the family, but feel uncomfortable coming over when I know that you only keep contact with me because you expect me to come back.

I miss you all a lot, and hope to see you again.


Some random things

As always just a dump of some of the things in my head right now. I have a lot!

Work related things: My new team is really hard but im learning a lot and I dont think they mind my slow pace too much, so overall its ok. I have an exam next friday - aws associate architect or something. Its a lot to revise and I am really far behind. I should have taken this exam months ago. I just have to do a lot of practice questions next week and I should be ok (I hope). Its been a while since Ive done any formal studying...

I got a strange email today from a recruiter who supposedly works for Facebook. I find it strange that they would pick me. I dont think im good enough, and wont pass the interview if I dont do at least 3 months preparation, but I dont really have that time...
It would be a dream job, but I dont think Im ready. Hope it doesnt turn out to be too disappointing.

May. 1st, 2017

Today I learnt that if someone tells you 'If you do x I wont talk to you again', they are toxic, and not the kind of person you want in your life.

Changing your life to hold onto them will only hurt you.

Even though I knew that by doing x I would hurt them in a way that would make me lose them forever, being told in an outright manner than their love for me is conditional makes them not worth having around. Especially since the thing Im doing isnt actually bad, and they are choosing to be hurt by it. It doesnt harm anyone.

Changing my whole lifestyle just to make them happy is crazy if they dont even care about my happiness and wellbeing enough to stay in touch with me.

Fashion problems :(

My absolute hands down worst kind of problem. (kind of)

Got my sisters wedding on Tuesday and Im expected to dress fancy (I was also expected to get a dress that matches the colour scheme but I failed at that)

Most people from my community will wear long dresses to their sisters wedding. I failed at that too.

I got a dress that goes to right above my ankles. Because it was on sale - last years stock. And it was in the first shop I went to. I knew I wouldnt find a cheaper dress and my policy is to put the least effort into clothing that I can get away with, and I thought I could get away with this.

But what I didnt think about then was that if its above the floor I have to wear nice shoes. This usually means heals, but I have only worn heals once in my life about 5 years ago. So I suck at that.

I bought the dress 2 months ago but only remembered to buy shoes last week, so I ordered a pair and then realised they are too high for me to walk in. Got into a panic and ordered 6! more pairs with next day delivery on friday. But now I have 6 pairs of shoes to choose from and I dont know what to do. (I will return the rest). Some are still too high and one is the wrong colour, but the two I have that are low enough to feel comfortable dont look as elegant. And with heals my dress seems even shorter.
The problems of life.

Ill probably end up going with the most comfortable ones even though they are the LEAST fancy.

--> side note. Its a religious wedding which means I have to go all covered up. My dress is sleeveless so I need to buy a t shirt the right colour to wear under it. The only place I know of that sell T shirts in every shade and colour is a jewish place - and they charge about £30-40 for a t shirt. To put this into perspective, I only spent £39 on my dress. So my boring T shirt could end up being more expensive than my fancy dress.

Yesterday was a really good day

I needed that. I often find when things are going bad a lot of bad things happen at once but then some awesome things happen in an unrelated part of your life and everything is ok again.

really good things that happened yesterday:

1. Work colleague asked me to help her run a workshop at a developers conference on security. Security is her area of expertise, but not mine so helping her will give me good experience and look really good on my CV. So yesterday we had a chat with the organisers of the conference and it all looks really promising
2. We have a new head in our team (I call him head because I have no idea what his job is) and he had a retrospective with our small sub team and we go to complain! things have been really shitty lately, we were told we would only be a team until the end of 2016 and we don’t understand why are not joining the main team again and why we are still a sub team doing odd jobs, - the big thing we were put together to do we finished ages ago. its all weird and we are running out of work so really annoying.
3. I had a chat with a guy who is doing massive architecture changes in our software, introducing clusters and cool stuff, and he said I can join his team - he spoke to all my managers and team leads and they all agreed. Although I have to stay with with my old boring team until i finish the work we are in middle of, I get to do something cool after this
4. We had a discussion with my old team right after this and because we have not much work and my team lead is really relaxed we are implementing a solution for a minor problem in a really complex way. its overkill but it gives me an opportunity to use cool frameworks Ive wanted to use for a while.
5. I met a fellow jew who left my community and set up a organisation for people like us. She is really intelligent, and not like any other person I know who left which gives me great confidence. She got rid of most of my guilty feelings, saying it really only gets better and leaving was never a mistake…
Whenever I hear about someone I know that killed themselves I get really sad. like really really sad. I think about how I could have made their lives better etc. Which is a normal reaction.

I am not completely usual in the way I think about death tho. Ive never been afraid of death. I have many strong fears and anxieties. Of being poor, of being laughed at, of being hated, of being raped. but not death.
When I was religious I wanted to die, but was scared to ever do it to myself because self harm/ suicide means you go straight to hell. There is the whole thing the orthodox jews have about taking care of yourself so you stay alive long and do your mission….

Now that I don’t believe anymore I find it hard to come up with a reason why people feel the need to stay alive. I certainly don’t.
As long as Im 70% of the time happy, and the happiness is good enough to override the bad points I am willing to stay alive because why not. But if my life is shit I don’t see the point. If I would be alone on an island I would defiantly kill myself. Part of the reason I stay alive is because people want me to and I like pleasing people. Another part is because I feel like people make such a huge deal about not doing it etc, and although i don’t understand why people do that, I get scared that maybe they are right. I am young and I know Im not the most intelligent human alive. Also, I always have a huge fear that Ill miss out. But I know that once Im dead I won’t care about that anymore. But probably most importantly, I don’t have the courage.

I know that the only way I would ever resort to suicide is if something massive would happen that would just make me fed up, (these things happen fairly regularly these days), and I wouldn’t have a strong reason holding me back. Right now my strong reason holding me back is P. It would kill him.
But on that note, I told him that and that really stressed him out. understandably. So then i lied and said id be ok.

I think the odds of me ever committing suicide are really low but I don’t understand the big deal around it. And I hope that if I every get ill/old, assisted dying will be legalised. Thats something I really don’t understand.


My grandfather died last night and i can’t go to the funeral because I lost my passport. (Its going to be in brussels)

I hate funerals, I get awkward and don’t know what to do, but I don’t know how else I will express my feelings of being sorry for my dad if i don’t go. I don’t have a relationship with my parents at the moment. Im never really good in a situation like this . I would normally just be quiet and be around when I’m supposed to. But not being able to be around means Im at a loss with what to do.

I was able to speak to my dad last night on the phone and say a few words to my grandfather and that makes me feel better